{"id":10164,"date":"2020-08-20T21:06:00","date_gmt":"2020-08-20T18:06:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/ziarulderimnic.ro\/?p=10164"},"modified":"2020-08-20T21:06:00","modified_gmt":"2020-08-20T18:06:00","slug":"de-ai-nostri-madalina-bicu-stele-sparte-4","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/ziarulderimnic.ro\/?p=10164","title":{"rendered":"De-ai no\u0219tri – M\u0103d\u0103lina Bicu – Stele sparte (4)"},"content":{"rendered":"

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Caut \u00een toat\u0103 dezordinea din geant\u0103 o \u021bigar\u0103 care s\u0103-mi lini\u0219teasc\u0103 ticul care m\u0103 disper\u0103. G\u0103sesc o oglind\u0103 mic\u0103 \u0219i \u00eemi v\u0103d chipul reflect\u00e2ndu-se \u00een ea. Am rimelul scurs, iar cearc\u0103nele adaug\u0103 c\u00e2\u021biva ani \u00een plus v\u00e2rstei. Asear\u0103 am pl\u00e2ns groaznic. Nu \u00eel mai iubesc, nu \u0219tiu de ce am pl\u00e2ns. Oricum, nu l-am mai v\u0103zut de mult, iar acum prea pu\u021bine lucruri \u00eel fac s\u0103 semene cu omul pe care \u00eel \u0219tiam eu. Ce a\u0219 putea s\u0103 scriu acum? Nu am scris niciodat\u0103 bine \u0219i, mai ales, niciodat\u0103 \u00eendeajuns. Am fost mereu subiectiv\u0103 cu scrisul meu ne\u00eenc\u0103p\u0103tor. Ne\u00eenc\u0103p\u0103tor pentru c\u0103 \u00een el nu \u00eencape mai nimic, sau mai bine zis, nimic din ce a\u0219 vrea eu. Nu pot s\u0103 scriu
\nlacrimile pe care le-am pl\u00e2ns, nop\u021bile pe care le-am pierdut sau zilele \u00een care m-a iubit. Pur \u0219i simplu nu m\u0103 pricep la scris. Iar pierderea celui mai bun om din via\u021ba mea m-a dobor\u00e2t \u0219i m-a f\u0103cut \u0219i mai nepriceput\u0103 la scris, mai subiectiv\u0103.
\nAm devenit egoist\u0103 \u0219i m\u0103 folosesc de scris ca de un drog. E singura solu\u021bie pe care o am c\u00e2nd \u00eei v\u0103d pe to\u021bi ceilal\u021bi ferici\u021bi, chiar dac\u0103 eu \u0219tiu c\u0103 ei nu sunt ferici\u021bi. E singura solu\u021bie atunci c\u00e2nd simt \u00een tot corpul cum ceva m\u0103 doare, iar acel ceva e golul care mi-a r\u0103mas de c\u00e2nd a plecat el din via\u021ba mea… cel mai minunat \u0219i cel mai frumos. Am zis apoi c\u0103 o s\u0103 fiu mai calculat\u0103, dar m-am aruncat iar \u00een via\u021b\u0103 cu capul \u00eenainte f\u0103r\u0103 s\u0103 \u0219tiu \u00een ce direc\u021bie o iau \u0219i c\u00e2t de tare va fi lovitura.
\nAm vrut s\u0103 fug \u0219i am fugit \u00een ora\u0219ul \u0103la mare \u00een care nu cuno\u0219team pe nimeni \u0219i acolo iar\u0103\u0219i l-am g\u0103sit pe el, mereu sub alte forme. Era aerul tare de munte, sau r\u0103s\u0103ritul soarelui, era frunzele ar\u0103mii ale toamnei, era tot ce vedeam \u0219i nu-mi doream s\u0103 mai v\u0103d. M-a urm\u0103rit peste tot p\u00e2n\u0103 c\u00e2nd s-a hot\u0103r\u00e2t s\u0103 m\u0103 \u00eenfrunte; s\u0103-mi spun\u0103 c\u0103 nu m\u0103 mai iube\u0219te, c\u0103 nu m\u0103 mai vrea \u0219i c\u0103 nu m\u0103 mai caut\u0103. Dar ce c\u0103uta acolo? \u00cemi place s\u0103 cred c\u0103 \u00eenc\u0103 m\u0103 iube\u0219te. Ce avea s\u0103 fac\u0103 cu toat\u0103 iubirea aia pe care mi-o purta? L-am iubit \u0219i eu, iar dup\u0103 desp\u0103r\u021bire mi-am zis c\u0103 nu o s\u0103 mai iubesc vreodat\u0103 a\u0219a, si nu voi mai fi iubit\u0103 a\u0219a. Grav este c\u0103 m\u0103 pierd \u00eentre partea cu nu-vreau-s\u0103-\u0219tiu-nimic-despre-tine \u0219i partea cu suf\u0103r-at\u00e2t- de-mult-c\u0103-nu-\u0219tiu-nimic-despre-tine.
\n\u00cens\u0103, un lucru \u0219tiu sigur: Pe tine te voi iubi pentru o ve\u0219nicie!<\/p>\n

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Reabilitare<\/strong><\/p>\n

Ora 23 noaptea, mar\u021bi. Stau \u00een mijlocul unei camere goale cu pere\u021bi albi, goi. Sunt \u00eembr\u0103cat\u0103 cu o c\u0103ma\u0219\u0103 alb\u0103 care \u00eemi acoper\u0103 genunchii \u0219i sunt cu t\u0103lpile goale. O singur\u0103 fereastr\u0103 \u00een fa\u021ba mea cu obloanele trase, s\u0103 nu intre lumin\u0103. \u00cen spatele meu am scrijelit o gaur\u0103 mic\u0103 \u00een perete – s\u0103 mai pot vedea trecutul din c\u00e2nd \u00een c\u00e2nd, s\u0103-mi mai pot linge r\u0103nile.
\nPe fereastr\u0103 mi-e team\u0103 s\u0103 m\u0103 uit. M\u0103 \u00eenfrico\u0219eaz\u0103 ce m\u0103 a\u0219teapt\u0103, m\u0103 sperie pedepsele pe care am s\u0103 le primesc. In fiecare zi m\u0103 uit la trecut prin gaura din perete; acolo totul e sigur, nu se poate schimba nimic, nu poate interveni nimic, iar eu privesc ca un simplu spectator la filmul vie\u021bii mele, incapabil\u0103 fiind s\u0103 repar ceva. Reu\u0219esc \u00eentotdeauna s\u0103 m\u0103 conving c\u0103 nu mai e necesar s\u0103 privesc acolo, dar ca o ispit\u0103 diavoleasc\u0103 aud \u00een miez de noapte vechiul meu r\u00e2s r\u0103u \u0219i zgomotos care anun\u021ba mereu c\u00e2te o victorie, \u00eenc\u0103 o victim\u0103 c\u0103zut\u0103. M\u0103 \u00eentorc mereu acolo \u0219i m\u0103 cert dup\u0103 fiecare vizit\u0103, m\u0103 \u00eenvinov\u0103\u021besc pentru teama de a deschide fereastra. C\u00e2nd dorm, visez c\u0103 plec, c\u0103 am curajul s\u0103 continui \u0219i curajul s\u0103 suport consecin\u021bele. Dar e mereu doar un vis care m\u0103 \u00eennebune\u0219te.
\nDoar la asta m\u0103 g\u00e2ndesc: s\u0103 nu mai privesc \u00een trecut \u0219i s\u0103 plec mai departe. Dar r\u0103m\u00e2n blocat\u0103 \u00een timp, f\u0103r\u0103 s\u0103 m\u0103 \u00eengrijorez c\u0103 mi se scurg zilele f\u0103r\u0103 rost.<\/p>\n

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A\u0219terne-\u021bi un g\u00e2nd<\/strong><\/p>\n

A\u0219teme-\u021bi un g\u00e2nd pe sufletul meu \u0219i las\u0103-m\u0103 s\u0103-l adulmec,
\ns\u0103-l miros \u0219i s\u0103-l sorb.
\nLas\u0103-m\u0103 s\u0103-i m\u00e2ng\u00e2i cuvintele si s\u0103-i v\u0103d formele.
\nA\u0219teme-\u021bi un g\u00e2nd pe sufletul meu \u0219i las\u0103-m\u0103 s\u0103 m\u0103 lupt teu el,
\ns\u0103-l judec \u0219i s\u0103-l fac s\u0103 m\u0103 doar\u0103.
\nLas\u0103-l s\u0103 m\u0103 fr\u0103m\u00e2nte, s\u0103 m\u0103 m\u00e2hneasc\u0103.
\nA\u0219teme-\u021bi un g\u00e2nd pe sufletul meu, fie el bun, fie el r\u0103u
\n\u0218i las\u0103-1 s\u0103 se joace cu mine, s\u0103 m\u0103 distrug\u0103, dar s\u0103 m\u0103 iubeasc\u0103
\nA\u0219teme-\u021bi un g\u00e2nd pe sufletul meu \u0219i las\u0103-1 s\u0103 m\u0103 tulbure,
\ns\u0103 m\u0103 certe c\u0103 nu te-am iubit \u0219i c\u0103 nu te-am mai vrut
\nMai rupe din tine un g\u00e2nd \u0219i trimite-mi-1 mie
\nSau cheam\u0103-m\u0103 tu mai aproape
\n\u0218i-am s\u0103 vin.
\nCur\u00e2nd am s\u0103 vin…<\/p>\n

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S\u0103 r\u0103sune<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00cen fiecare zi te analizezi \u0219i te pui \u00een antitez\u0103 cu celelalte Tu din alte zile, tar\u0103 s\u0103 vezi c\u0103 e\u0219ti mereu aceea\u0219i. Faci ce faci \u0219i devii \u0219i mai rece. Ai \u00eencercat \u00eentotdeauna s\u0103 te cuno\u0219ti c\u00e2t mai bine \u0219i ai ajuns s\u0103 \u00ee\u021bi arunci toate g\u00e2ndurile \u00eentr-o carte pe care to\u021bi au apreciat-o, iar tu ai p\u0103r\u0103sit-o pe un raft, a\u0219tept\u00e2ndu-te s\u0103 \u00ee\u021bi faci curaj s\u0103 o cite\u0219ti. E\u0219ti lini\u0219tit\u0103 c\u0103 ai sc\u0103pat de toate g\u00e2ndurile. Le-ai pus acolo \u0219i o bucat\u0103 din trecutul t\u0103u zace prin casele oamenilor care \u021bi-au adorat cartea. T\u00e2rziu, te-ai g\u00e2ndit c\u0103 poate nu a fost cea mai bun\u0103 idee s\u0103 rupi din tine partea aia \u0219i s\u0103 o dai lumii. Oricum, trebuia s\u0103 faci ceva s\u0103 scapi \u0219i acum te bucuri c\u0103 lipse\u0219te din tine. Straniu, nu? Ai tot fugit de trecut pentru c\u0103 tu ur\u0103\u0219ti s\u0103 tr\u0103ie\u0219ti acolo, ur\u0103\u0219ti s\u0103 se simt\u0103 \u00een prezent, ur\u0103\u0219ti c\u0103 trecutul nu-\u021bi trece \u0219i c\u0103 trebuie s\u0103 faci mereu ceva s\u0103-l \u00eenghe\u021bi, s\u0103-1 faci s\u0103 nu-\u021bi mai degradeze prezentul.
\nCe ai de g\u00e2nd s\u0103 faci cu partea asta? Pe ea \u00een ce carte o mai bagi? \u00een c\u00e2te nop\u021bi o s\u0103 o mai pl\u00e2ngi? C\u0103ci ea te-a f\u0103cut cea mai fericit\u0103 \u0219i, deopotriv\u0103, cea mai nefericit\u0103. Te-am v\u0103zut de prea multe ori cum fugeai de ea \u00eenchis\u0103 \u00eentre patru pere\u021bi \u0219i cum obosit\u0103 te pr\u0103bu\u0219eai de p\u0103m\u00e2ntul pe care \u00eel udai cu lacrimile tale, incapabil\u0103 fiind s\u0103 te lepezi de tot ce a \u00eensemnat el. Te vedeam cum \u00ee\u021bi zg\u00e2riai pielea pe care buzele-i nebune dup\u0103 tine o str\u0103b\u0103teau \u00een mici s\u0103ruturi calde. \u0218tiu de c\u00e2te ori \u00ee\u021bi doreai s\u0103 ie\u0219i pe strad\u0103 \u0219i s\u0103-1 vezi chiar dac\u0103 \u0219tiai c\u0103 niciodat\u0103 nu o s\u0103-1 mai vezi. Da, niciodat\u0103. \u0218i din c\u00e2te observ lucrurile nu s-au schimbat prea mult. E\u0219ti aproape la fel de palid\u0103 \u0219i pierdut\u0103 dup\u0103 el. Dar resemnat\u0103.
\nS\u0103 r\u0103sune dorul meu peste tine, s\u0103 te doboare \u0219i s\u0103-\u0219i \u00eenfig\u0103 col\u021bii \u00een carnea ta fraged\u0103, t\u00e2n\u0103r\u0103! S\u0103 sim\u021bi \u0219i tu, pentru \u00eenc\u0103 o clip\u0103, durere!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Pe tine Caut \u00een toat\u0103 dezordinea din geant\u0103 o \u021bigar\u0103 care s\u0103-mi lini\u0219teasc\u0103 ticul care m\u0103 disper\u0103. G\u0103sesc o oglind\u0103<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":13,"featured_media":10074,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"colormag_page_container_layout":"default_layout","colormag_page_sidebar_layout":"default_layout","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"ngg_post_thumbnail":0,"video_url":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[7,320],"tags":[],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/ziarulderimnic.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10164"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/ziarulderimnic.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/ziarulderimnic.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ziarulderimnic.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/13"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ziarulderimnic.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=10164"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/ziarulderimnic.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10164\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":10165,"href":"https:\/\/ziarulderimnic.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10164\/revisions\/10165"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ziarulderimnic.ro\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/10074"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/ziarulderimnic.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=10164"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ziarulderimnic.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=10164"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ziarulderimnic.ro\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=10164"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}